Two Shaggy Dog Stories In Memory Of Norm Macdonald

Alright, so there’s this dog, right? And this dog, he’s a shaggy one. I mean, this dog is so shaggy, you could lose a set of car keys in his fur and never find them again.

Now, this dog, he’s not just any old dog. He’s a fancy dog. He’s got a pedigree longer than my ex-wife’s grocery list. And he’s got an owner who spoils him rotten.

One day, this fancy shaggy dog is out for a walk with his owner, when he sees another dog across the street. Now, this other dog, he’s a scrappy little mutt. But he’s got attitude, you know? He’s all like, “What’s up, shaggy dog? You think you’re so fancy with your fancy pedigree and your fancy owner?”

Well, this shaggy dog, he’s not one to back down from a challenge. So he starts barking and growling at the mutt, trying to show him who’s boss. But the mutt, he’s not scared. He starts barking back, and the two of them are going at it, barking and growling and snarling and snapping.

And then, all of a sudden, the shaggy dog’s owner steps in and says, “What’s going on here?” And the mutt, he looks up and says, “Oh, hey, sorry. We were just playing.” And the shaggy dog, he looks up at his owner with this look on his face like, “Can you believe this guy? Trying to play me like that?”

And that’s the story of the shaggy dog and the mutt. It just goes to show you, you can have all the pedigree in the world, but sometimes it’s the scrappy little mutt who comes out on top.

Sure thing, I’ve got one about a penguin.

So, there’s this penguin, right? And this penguin, he’s feeling a little adventurous. He’s tired of just waddling around on ice all day, you know? So he decides he’s going to take a trip down to Florida, where it’s warm and sunny and there’s beaches and all that good stuff.

Now, this penguin, he’s not dumb. He knows he can’t just walk all the way down to Florida. So he looks around for a way to get there, and he sees a group of birds flying overhead. “Ah-ha!” he thinks. “That’s it! I’ll just fly down to Florida with those birds!”

So the penguin starts flapping his little wings as hard as he can, trying to catch up to the birds. But try as he might, he just can’t seem to get off the ground. He’s flapping and flapping and flapping, but he’s just not built for flying, you know?

So he decides to ask for help. He goes up to a seagull and says, “Hey, can you help me out? I’m trying to fly down to Florida with those birds up there, but I can’t seem to get off the ground.”

And the seagull looks at him and says, “Well, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but you’re a penguin. Penguins can’t fly.”

The penguin is devastated. He had his heart set on going to Florida, and now it looks like his dream is crushed. But then the seagull says, “But you know what? I can give you a ride. I’m headed down to Florida anyway. Hop on my back and I’ll take you there.”

So the penguin hops on the seagull’s back, and off they go. They fly over the ocean, past palm trees and beaches and all kinds of cool stuff. And finally, they land in Florida.

The penguin hops off the seagull’s back and looks around, amazed. “Wow,” he says. “This place is amazing. I can’t believe I made it here!”

And the seagull says, “Hey, no problem. That’s what friends are for. But just one question: what are you going to do now that you’re here? You’re a penguin, after all. You’re not exactly built for Florida.”

And the penguin looks at him and says, “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll start a band.”

In memory of Norm Macdonald (1959-2021)